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Sharing Too Much Department 08.08.02 // Add comment

Why is it that even at my new age of 37, I'm still embarrassed to buy condoms?

Last night I stopped on the way home at a convenient, every-one-looks-like-every-other-one, Rite-Aid. As I wandered around the store, I picked up some Bud Light (not a lot of variety at the Rite-Aid), some cheap wine, a couple cans of Friskies SuperSupper, Metabolife (you think I stay up all night writing this prattle without help?), and a big ol' bright red box of love gloves.

Even though I knew I had to get them, and I stopped specifically at a pharmacy because I knew they would be there, I still put the Bishop's slickers in my happy little "Toto" basket point-blank LAST. At that moment, I made a beeline for the register. Even then I kept saying to myself, "look, Lew, you've got three kids. By getting these, you're doing the world a favor. None of us need any more of me running around."

I approached two very average-looking, average-aged cashiers. Either of them would have minimized my stress by just shoveling the crap out of the basket and into a bag in blue collar, assembly line, don't look twice, just be a drone, fashion. But as I closed in on them, the bigger one said between gum smacks, "She'll be happy to take you at the Photo Counter, n'kay?" and they both wheeled off for an apparent ill-timed break.

As I looked to my left, I saw my pinch-hitting cashier. An adorable, petite, almost-19-ish Amish/Mennonite girl with her fine, pure hair neatly coiffed under a lace bonnet. I immediately put myself into her head and heard in a soft Angelic echo, "Oh dear Son of God, Baby Jesus in a hay manger, I'm about to ring up on the Anti-Christ. Forgive me, Lord."

I'm quite sure I was blushing as I stared blankly at the LED readout of my socially-pathetic yet freakishly enjoyable life; Arbor Mist @ $4.99, Metabolife 30 @ $11.99, Trojan Condoms 12 @ $8.99, blah, blah blah... It could have ended with, Stick for Beating Baby Harp Seals @ $7.49, Temporary Swastika Tattoos @ $4.99... The only thing I didn't buy to totally offend the absolute core of her very being was a couple cartons of Camels, a copy of "Barely Legal" and a Sam Kineson CD. Needless to say, I can't go back to that Rite-Aid anymore. Damn good thing they have one every mile around here. And when I run out of Rite-Aids I can spend a year doing the CVS route.

Being Internet-adept, I think it's time to turn over some of this anti-fun to an e-business. Let me set a bookmark right now for www.condom-wholesalers.com -- or would that be .org? Heh. Get it? .org. Heh.

Then again, with my luck the package would be too big for our mailbox and I'd have to go ask for it in the Briarwood Leasing Office! Perhaps abstinence is best.