Your Facebook Status & Funny Facebook Status!

• is doing nothing, and doing it well.
• is trying to sleep off my insomnia.
• is jumping with monkeys on the bed.
• says a friend will bail you out of jail. A GOOD friend will be handcuffed to the same wall.
• is freeing the world from hunger, starting with myself.

• is as nervous as a short nun at a penguin hunt.
• knows why the caged bird sings… He’s got nothing else to do.
• is trying to pack more thoughts into fewer words.
• says hatred is like a one-way street… With oncoming traffic.
• says foolishness is like an origami swan.
• says pain is like a lullaby… A really hurtful lullaby.
• says sloth is like a poem… One that you read really, really slowly.

A few witty comebacks and zingers for you…

• can’t believe that out of all that sperm, you were the quickest.
• had a perfectly wonderful day. But this wasn’t it.
• doesn’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
• knows you are, but what am I?
• is busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
• says “Make me.”
• says “You’re not the boss of me.”
• said “That’s what she said.”

• thinks that with all this snow, I may need to put on my icecap.
• overheard two snowmen having a conversation. One asked the other why he kept smelling carrots.
• has snow on his roof and a fire in his belly.
• is as pure as snow… In March.
• saw a snowman with dandruff. There were flakes everywhere.
• reminds you that snowman is an island.
• attended a birthday party for a snowman today. We all sang “Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.”
• saw a rodent building a hockey rink today. He was wearing mice skates.

If your favorite football team is cleaning up their golf clubs, some of these might be for you!

• says football is a game of inches, and that’s how the (TEAM) move the ball.
• says the only thing (QUARTERBACK) can do with the ball, is autograph it.
• says the (TEAM) players have a lot on the ball. Unfortunately, it’s never their hands.
• says (PLAYER YOU HATE) originally wanted to wear #53… It was his combined SAT Score.
• says the (TEAM) have a great Nickel Defense… And that’s just about what it’s worth.
• says the (TEAM) have a lot of veteran players; Unfortunately they all play like they served in World War I.
• says you know the (TEAM) was having a bad year when the marching band formed a noose at halftime.
• says the (TEAM) really know how to move the ball. Unfortunately it’s never forward.
• says (FIRED COACH) retired due to illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of him.
• says the only way the (TEAM) can gain footage is by running the game film backward.
• says the (TEAM) had so many disabled players this year, the team bus got to park in a handicapped space.

A bunch of groaners…

• says a backward poet writes inverse.
• says a bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
• says a boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
• says a chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• says a grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
• just heard about a midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison. They consider him a small medium at large.
• thinks a plateau is a high form of flattery.
• considers acupuncture as a jab well done.
• thinks bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
• says condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
• asks if you heard about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
• wonders if the name Pavlov rings a bell?
• says every calendar’s days are numbered.
• had a photographic memory, but it never really developed.

Usually an aphorism is a concise statement containing a subjective truth or observation cleverly and pithily written… Try these out!

• says a “Freudian Slip” is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
• says madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
• says when cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
• is 668: The Neighbor of the Beast
• says writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
• always tries to do things in chronological order. It’s less confusing that way.
• thinks that if triangles had a God, he would have three sides.

A little taste of the best Batman ever, with Michael Keaton.
(© 1989 Warner Brothers Pictures)

• says “You can call me… Joker. And as you can see, I’m a lot happier!”
• says “I’ve been dead once already. It’s very liberating.”
• says “You can’t make an omlette without breaking some eggs.”
• says “I have given a name to my pain. And it is Batman.”
• says “Decent people shouldn’t live here. They’d be happier someplace else.”
• wonders “Where does he get those wonderful toys?”
• asks if you’ve ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?
• says “Never rub another man’s rhubarb.”
• says “Stop the press! Who is that?”
• says “This town needs an enema!”
• is of a mind to make some mookie.
• is discussing the pros and cons of winged vigilantes.

• knows that common sense is not always common practice.
• wants to be the person my dog thinks I am.
• would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
• says all extremists should be shot
• says time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• says it’s bad luck to be superstitious.
• says happiness is good health and bad memory.
• says love is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.

• says the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• says if all is not lost, where is it?
• says the truth is rarely pure and never simple.
• says a wise man can see more from the bottom of a well, than a fool can from a mountain top.
• says those who dance are thought to be crazy by those who can’t hear the music.
• says belief is no substitute for knowledge.