Your Facebook Status & Funny Facebook Status!

• wonders if you can buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop.
• wonders why wrong numbers are never busy.
• believes five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
• wonders if we’re here to help others, why exactly are the others here?
• wonders why they call it research when they’re looking for something new.
• thinks it is a bit cruel that the word “Lisp” has an “S” in it.
• wonders why “Abbreviated” is such a long word.
• just played a blank cassette at full blast. It drove the mime next door nuts.
• wonders why the person who invests all your money is called a broker.
• wonders if we evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes around?
• wonders if a pig with laryngitis would be considered disgruntled.

• says a fool and his money are soon partying!
• says bacteria are the only culture some people have.
• says depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• says experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• says if space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?
• asks why the “Slow Children” sign has the picture of a kid who is running?
• is imagining a world without hypothetical situations.
• wonders about the value of “Self-Help” groups.
• wonders how many weeks are in a light year.
• wonders if blind people wear sunglasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
• wonders if part-time bandleaders could be considered semi-conductors.

• makes a resolution to spend more time at work. Websurfing on the high-speed lines.
• makes a resolution to stop bringing lunch from home. I really need to eat out more.
• makes a resolution to bring back disco.
• makes a resolution to focus more on the faults of my colleagues rather than my own.
• makes a resolution to drive past a gym at least once a week.
• makes a resolution to drink. Then drink some more.
• makes a resolution to work with neglected children. My own.
• makes a resolution to stop saying B-R-B every time I need to use the toilet.
• makes a resolution to spread out my priorities farther than my ability to keep track of them.

• loves cooking with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.
• says some days are a total waste of makeup.
• says if the shoe fits, buy one in every color.
• says my idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• asks how many men it takes to put a toilet seat down? Nobody knows because it never happened.
• asks how you can tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you control the remote.
• is part of a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not essential for a working woman.
• wonders why my kids can design elaborate MySpace pages, but can’t make a bed.
• wonders why my kids only like two kinds of music; Loud and very loud.

• says bad spellers of the world, UNTIE!
• says birth control is nothing more than copulation without population.
• says Canadian trees rock! Oak, eh?
• says if not for venetian blinds, it would be curtains for all of us!
• sys dwn wth vwls!
• says it isn’t what you know that counts… It’s what you think of in time.
• says fashion goes in one year and out the other.
• says friends are like condoms. They protect you when things get hard.

Bowlers young and old, these status updates are for you!

• thinks bowling may be right up my alley.
• says if you can’t hear a pin drop, something may be wrong with your bowling game.
• says if it weren’t for bowling, (insert town here) wouldn’t have any culture at all.
• goes bowling every four years, just to make sure I still hate it.
• wonders if Alley Cats would be good at bowling.

From “Kingpin” (© 1996 MGM)
• doesn’t puke when I drink. I puke when I don’t.
• really jarred something loose.
• is on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
• knows that sometimes, a bowler just has to face the music. And that bowler… Is… You.
• wants a Tanqueray and Tab. And keep ‘em coming.
• says the world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasn’t kickin’ mine.
• just got Munsoned.

Here are a few status updates for Hockey lovers everywhere!

• is going to put the wood to it.
• is five hole, all day long.
• just put the biscuit in the basket.
• is tired of the dump and chase.
• froze the puck.
• is executing a career one-timer.
• says warm up the bus. This one’s over.
• is facing an odd man rush.
• is backchecking a serious deadline.
• is changing on the fly.
• is delayed offside.
• is back at full strength.
• says garbage goals count just like the good ones.
• is looking for the hat trick.
• stuck in a neutral zone trap.
• has started the playoff beard.
• is sweep checking.
• is shooting top shelf.
• is trying to light the lamp.

• says lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
• says Monday is a terrible way to start the week.
• knows the squeaky wheel gets replaced.
• says confidence is what you have when you don’t really understand the situation.
• says if at first you do succeed, try not to look surprised.
• says if at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• knows whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
• thinks hard work has a future payoff, but laziness pays off NOW.
• says errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• reminds you that to err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
• always gives 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
• knows people who do the world’s real work don’t usually wear neckties.
• didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.
• thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• feels that a cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• thinks that the facts, though interesting, are irrelevant.
• wonders if there is life before coffee?
• says if all else fails, lower your standards.
• says according to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
• finds work fascinating. I could watch it for hours.
• reminds you to look out for #1, and try not to step in #2.
• loves deadlines, especially the whooshing sound as they fly by.
• thinks that failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
• is just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
• doesn’t have a solution, but I admire the problem.
• says some days it’s not worth chewing through the restraints.
• says if you can’t convince them, confuse them.
• sometimes thinks I understand everything. Then I regain consciousness.
• doesn’t mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
• never argues with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• says if at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
• says many a crown of wisdom is but the golden champerpot of success worn with pompous dignity.

• says there are two kinds of pedestrians… The quick and the dead.
• carries less than $20 at all times.
• says if God is your co-pilot, you should switch seats.
• brakes for no apparent reason.
• may be driving slow, but I’m in front of you.
• says if you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
• says hang up and drive!
• says if you’re living on the edge, buckle your seatbelt.
• says gun control means using both hands.
• says if you can read this, thank a teacher. If it’s in English, thank a soldier.

• says if Vista is the answer, the question must have been horrible.
• says PCs are like air conditioners… They stop working properly when you open Windows.
• says one picture is worth 128k words.
• says there are ten kinds of people in the world. Those who understand Binary, and those who don’t.
• says “If at first you don’t succeed, consider that Version 1.0″
• is not anti-social — I’m just not user-friendly.
• would love to change the World, but they won’t give me the source code.
• doesn’t have a nervous computer… It’s just a bit ANSI.
• Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
• says 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
• says C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
• knows using an Ethernet is the best way to catch the Ether Bunny.
• wonders if Fuzzy Logic tickles.
• says “All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?”