Your Facebook Status & Funny Facebook Status!

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Lew — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 21:22:18 +0000

• is reporting live from Suburbia… Where they cut down all the trees and name streets after them.
• is trying to figure out how to set my laser printer to “Stun.”
• is not cheap, but I am on special this week.
• says the trouble with life is that it doesn’t come with background music.
• says if “Love is blind,” then why is lingerie so popular?
• says clones are people two.
• says friction is a drag.
• drives too fast to worry about a little cholesterol.
• thinks impotence is Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings.”

Odds and Ends

Lew — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 20:57:28 +0000

• wonders why my train of thought never has a caboose.
• reminds you that sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
• says not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
• decided that my favorite position, is CEO.
• says talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
• says that just because nobody understands you, doesn’t make you an artist.
• has plenty of talent and vision. It’s just that I don’t care.
• is an agent of Satan, but my duties are mostly ceremonial.
• thinks it’s time to up my medication.
• says someday we’ll look back on all this and laugh nervously.
• says don’t judge a book by its movie.
• wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet. So I taped shoes on my cat.
• has a PBS mind in an MTV world.

One of Those Days

Lew — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 21:31:36 +0000

A few from my own friends…

• is writing something clever here… It’s just invisible!
• is a mobile army of metaphors
• is in a chipotle coma.
• hates this feeling.
• will see your Kerouac… And raise you a Burroughs.
• is concerned expectations are too high.
• is prodigal beyond measure
• is living beyond all his means.
• is underwhelmed by the climate.

Chuck Norris!

Lew — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 20:45:54 +0000

• says that if you have $5 and Chuck Norris has $5, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
• says Apple pays Chuck Norris $.99 every time he listens to a song.
• says Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
• says that in a fight between Batman and Superman, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
• says there is an “I” in Chuck Norris, but there is no “TEAM.” Not even close.
• says Chuck Norris does not own a stove. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
• says Chuck Norris sued MySpace for taking the name of everything around you.

Mix and Match

Lew — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 20:39:29 +0000

• started out with nothing, and still have most of it.
• thinks this day was a total waste of make-up.
• thinks that not every man is annoying. Some of them are dead.
• would like to trade my job for whatever is behind Door Number Two.
• says “Chaos, Panic, Disorder. My work here is done.”
• says “Never trust a dog to watch your food.”

Married Life

Lew — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 20:35:38 +0000

• says Bigamy is having one wife too many, but Monogamy can feel the same way sometimes.
• says that it isn’t true married men live longer. It just seems that way.
• thinks I married Ms. Right. I just didn’t realize her first name was Always.
• loves to hold hands with my wife. If I let go, she starts shopping.
• says before marriage, a man yearns for a wife. After marriage, the Y becomes silent.
• doesn’t hate my wife’s relatives. In fact, I like her mother-in-law much better than mine.

Wit and Wisdom

Lew — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 22:11:22 +0000

• doesn’t have an attitude problem. Perhaps you have a perception problem?
• says nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.
• says the best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.
• says just because you’re smart, doesn’t mean the other guy is stupid.

Your Momma

Lew — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 21:59:40 +0000

• says your momma is so dumb, she waited all day at a stop sign.
• says your momma is so dumb, she was hit by a parked car.
• says your momma is so dumb, she tripped over a cordless phone
• says your momma is so dumb, she got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor.

Groundhog Day!

Lew — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 21:42:22 +0000

A few lines from the great movie starring Bill Murray, to celebrate Groundhog Day on February 2nd!

• says people just don’t understand what is involved in this. This an art-form!
• says what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn’t one today.
• says Winter, slumbering in the open air, wears on its smiling face a dream… of Spring.
• is on the way to Gobbler’s Knob. It’s Groundhog Day.
• says if you gotta shoot, aim high. You don’t wanna hit the groundhog.
• was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster and drank pina coladas. At sunset we made love like sea otters.
• says what would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?
• says this is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather.
• says people like blood sausage too, people are morons.

As seen on TV

Lew — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 18:55:16 +0000

• says “You followin’ me, camera guy?”
• is perfect for those drafty dorm rooms.
• like Olympic Divers, can use it as a towel.
• says “See what I’m tellin’ ya?”
• says you’re gonna spend $20 a month on paper towels anyway.
• says you better call in the next 20 minutes, because I can’t do this all day.
• wants to keep warm when I’m feeling chilled… But I don’t want to raise my heating bill!
• knows blankets are warm, but they can slip and slide.
• is super large, one size fits all.
• is perfect for chilly outdoor evenings.
• is available in royal blue, sage green or burgundy.
• is compact enough to fit in any glove compartment.
• reacts to the slightest nibble, yet is strong enough to haul in the big ones!
• is putting up my paws!
• for years, has suffered through the injuries caused by conventional nail clippers!
• is looking forward to a proper and painless gentle filing.
• is looking forward to the ultimate, at home, grooming experience.
• is gonna do some jerky. All I need is some soy sauce.
• loves the spicy. He loves the spicy.
• has a hand, that can be used like a KNIFE!
• can cut a slice of bread so thin, you can almost see through it!
• can chop wood, and still remain razor sharp.
• comes with a matching fork, to make carving a pleasure.
• makes beautiful, decorative vegetables.
• is guaranteed in writing, for fifty years!
• doesn’t need a cabinet full of cleaners!
• is the fast and easy way to press and cook delicious sliders!
• can double or triple stack ‘em, and watch my family attack ‘em!
• is so slick, not even burnt on cheese will stick.
• is a $20 value… Free!