Your Facebook Status & Funny Facebook Status!

…Sometimes you just have to let nature take it’s course. Call it vomiting, puking or…

• is tossing my cookies.
• is praying to the porcelain Gods.
• is calling God on the big white telephone.
• is driving the porcelain bus.
• is calling for Ralph.
• is calling for Barack.
• is doing the (lunch or dinner) catch and release.
• is delivering the pavement pizza.
• is downloading dinner.
• is laughing at the worms.
• has a round-trip meal ticket.
• is shooting salad.
• is sharing my inner feelings.
• is yodeling in the porcelain canyon.
• has the technicolor yawns.
• is blowing chunks.
• is calling the elk.
• is barking at ants.
• is hitting the bad tuna reverse button.
• is saying hello to lunch.
• is calling the dinosaurs.

Ever wake up and wish you hadn’t partied quite so hard the night before? Here are a few ways to let your friends and family know you can’t hold your liquor! Read up, lightweight. These are for you…

• had too much butter on the bread.
• was overserved and underfed.
• put too many ribbons on the gift.
• had the whirleygigs.
• was nicely irrigated with horizontal lubricant.
• had my mental shed collapsed taking most of the fence with it.
• wore my wobbly boots last night.
• was phalanxed.
• was unsober.
• was not cleared for landing.
• was beaten by the guard.
• spent the night with Jack, Jim and Bud.
• hung one on.
• was unduly effusive.
• is wrecked.

…You’re Fluffy.

• ate so much, I had to make two trips to “Haul ass.”
• ate so much, my belt size is “Equator.”
• is so fat, I hired a lifeguard for my cereal bowl.
• ate so much that when I went to the zoo, the elephants threw ME peanuts.
• is so fat, my senior picture is an aerial photograph.
• is so fat, my driver’s license says “Picture Continued on Other Side.”
• feels so bloated, I can’t even jump to a conclusion.
• is trying to get in shape. Triangles are shapes!
• ate so much, you could weigh my shadow.
• ate so much that I got on the scale and it said “One at a time, please!”
• ate so much that I cut my finger and drew gravy.

• didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• says if we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• says change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• got some vinegar in my ear. Now I have pickled hearing.
• wonders if chickens think a rubber human is funny.
• is on a new Chinese diet; all I can eat, but using only one chopstick.
• says my wife is on a new diet of coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but she can sure climb a tree!
• is on a new diet that doesn’t allow drinking. In fourteen days, I lost two weeks.
• saw a sign in the restaurant window. It said “Eat Now, Pay Waiter.”
• is a nutritional overachiever.
• practices safe eating. I always use condiments.
• says brain cells come and go, but fat cells are forever.
• says an egg from a chicken is a days work. Bacon from a pig is a much bigger commitment.