Your Facebook Status & Funny Facebook Status!

• is reporting live from Suburbia… Where they cut down all the trees and name streets after them.
• is trying to figure out how to set my laser printer to “Stun.”
• is not cheap, but I am on special this week.
• says the trouble with life is that it doesn’t come with background music.
• says if “Love is blind,” then why is lingerie so popular?
• says clones are people two.
• says friction is a drag.
• drives too fast to worry about a little cholesterol.
• thinks impotence is Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings.”

• wonders why my train of thought never has a caboose.
• reminds you that sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
• says not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
• decided that my favorite position, is CEO.
• says talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
• says that just because nobody understands you, doesn’t make you an artist.
• has plenty of talent and vision. It’s just that I don’t care.
• is an agent of Satan, but my duties are mostly ceremonial.
• thinks it’s time to up my medication.
• says someday we’ll look back on all this and laugh nervously.
• says don’t judge a book by its movie.
• wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet. So I taped shoes on my cat.
• has a PBS mind in an MTV world.

A few from my own friends…

• is writing something clever here… It’s just invisible!
• is a mobile army of metaphors
• is in a chipotle coma.
• hates this feeling.
• will see your Kerouac… And raise you a Burroughs.
• is concerned expectations are too high.
• is prodigal beyond measure
• is living beyond all his means.
• is underwhelmed by the climate.

• started out with nothing, and still have most of it.
• thinks this day was a total waste of make-up.
• thinks that not every man is annoying. Some of them are dead.
• would like to trade my job for whatever is behind Door Number Two.
• says “Chaos, Panic, Disorder. My work here is done.”
• says “Never trust a dog to watch your food.”

• says your momma is so dumb, she waited all day at a stop sign.
• says your momma is so dumb, she was hit by a parked car.
• says your momma is so dumb, she tripped over a cordless phone
• says your momma is so dumb, she got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor.

• is doing nothing, and doing it well.
• is trying to sleep off my insomnia.
• is jumping with monkeys on the bed.
• says a friend will bail you out of jail. A GOOD friend will be handcuffed to the same wall.
• is freeing the world from hunger, starting with myself.

Take all you like, post all you take…

• says the trouble with life is there’s no background music.
• says the journey of a thousand miles starts with a cash advance.
• says the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• says he who dies with the most toys, is still dead.
• smiles because I don’t know what the hell is going on.
• says wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
• got divorced for religious reasons. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
• says the original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
• is meandering to a different drummer.

• says bad spellers of the world, UNTIE!
• says birth control is nothing more than copulation without population.
• says Canadian trees rock! Oak, eh?
• says if not for venetian blinds, it would be curtains for all of us!
• sys dwn wth vwls!
• says it isn’t what you know that counts… It’s what you think of in time.
• says fashion goes in one year and out the other.
• says friends are like condoms. They protect you when things get hard.

• says there are two kinds of pedestrians… The quick and the dead.
• carries less than $20 at all times.
• says if God is your co-pilot, you should switch seats.
• brakes for no apparent reason.
• may be driving slow, but I’m in front of you.
• says if you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
• says hang up and drive!
• says if you’re living on the edge, buckle your seatbelt.
• says gun control means using both hands.
• says if you can read this, thank a teacher. If it’s in English, thank a soldier.

• says yo mama is so hairy she almost died of rugburn at birth!
• says yo mama is so hairy that Bigfoot took HER picture.
• says yo mama went to join an Ugly Contest and they said “Sorry, no professionals.”
• says yo mama is so ugly that when she walks into a bank they turn off the security cameras.
• says yo mama is so ugly they moved Halloween to her birthday.
• says yo mama is so ugly she has to trick or treat over the phone.
• says yo mama is so ugly that your father takes her to work so he won’t have to kiss her goodbye!
• says yo mama is missing so many teeth that it looks like her tongue is in jail.
• says yo mama is so fat she wears two watches… One for each time zone.
• says yo mama is so old that her memories are in black and white.
• says yo mama is so old that her birth certificate expired.
• says yo mama is so old that when she was in school there was no History class.
• says yo mama is so ugly that people at the circus pay money NOT to look at her.
• says yo mama is so ugly she makes Medusa jealous.
• says yo mama is so ugly that she went into a haunted house and walked out with a paycheck.
• says yo mama is so stupid she thought Grape Nuts was an STD.
• says yo mama is so stupid, she failed a survey.
• says yo mama is so stupid, she went to a drive-in to see “Closed for the Season.”